The primary’s over and half the yard signs that line our streets will be stored away until September and the other half burned. For gosh sakes don’t throw those yard signs away! There are lots of uses for those corrugated signs and the “H” wires that plunge into the earth killing thousands of fish worms every year. These waterproof corrugated lawn aerators stack nicely in the corner of any damp basement or garage, upon which you can set old typewriters, fax machines, furnace filters, TV Guides and the cat. And those “H” stakes make great croquet wires in the off season! They’re also good for roasting hot dogs, securing mufflers to tailpipes, divining for water and poking the neighbor kid’s eye out.

If I were a yard sign and had my druthers I’d want to be outside the Dairy Queen where I could sniff coney sauce and hot fudge all day long. I’d definitely stay away from the the parks where I’d be spit on by pitchers and catchers and trampled by little leaguers. The southwest corner of Mt. Vernon Avenue and Forest Lawn (aka yard sign heaven) is a nice yard sign neighborhood, but a far too populated showplace for a bashful yard sign like me. All those Republican yard signs, Democrat yard signs, Independent yard signs, Contractor yard signs, “Affordable Health Insurance” yard signs, “Work At Home and Make A Killing” yard signs, and “Lose Three Thousand Pounds a Minute” yard signs would make me a nervous Nellie. I wouldn‘t want to be one of those flashing arrow signs, either. They can block the view of those elite flashing arrow signs (yard signs on drugs) offering beer at state minimum prices. I wouldn’t look forward to fighting for space between the “Vote For Me and I‘ll Name You In My Will” yard sign and the “Best Pot Roast In Town” yard sign. That fight goes to the “Bull, Our Pot Roast Is Better” yard sign. No. The yard at Forest lawn and Mt. Vernon Avenue isn’t just overpopulated, it‘s dangerous. I saw a dog doing his business on one of those Forest Lawn yard signs. That could have been me! I don’t know why the dog spotted (no pun intended) that particular sign, but time will tell if he picked a winner and if “yes” Fido may have a future at CBS.

I guess where to stick a yard sign depends on whether it’s a 1-sided or 2-sided yard sign. It wouldn’t make any sense at all to stick a 2-sided yard sign on Center or Church Streets where one-way traffic can only see one side (although, you never know when you may need a tie-breaking vote from a guy who just happened to see your sign while drinking his way home at 3 am). Of course, there’s always the risk of sticking a 1-sided Church Street yard sign on Center Street, thus the printed side facing the wrong direction! Maybe two-way traffic on the loop is a good idea after all. At least in May and November. So where’s the perfect place to stick a yard sign? Heh, heh, heh.